8 Ways To Ease Yourself Out Of Nosy Questions Without Being Rude
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you would have noticed that I rarely talk about myself. I am no different in "real life" either. I consider myself to be a private person. My closest friends' and family, are the only ones that have the "inside scoop" on my personal life. So, you can imagine that I have a lot of experience fending off nosy questions!
Most of the time when someone asks you a nosy question, you are caught off guard. It can make you annoyed, angry and even depressed. Think about it. If you have been working on your fitness and trying to loose weight for the past 3 months, and out of nowhere you meet an old colleague who asks, "Are you pregnant?"
The list goes on...
"Why were you laid off?"
"When are you two planning on getting married?"
"Is your daughter adapted?"
"How come you still are single?"
I am sure that you can add a thing or two, as well! For each person the questions rub a different sensitive point. On the other hand for some of you, these questions may not be nosy.
I have always been troubled as to why people ask nosy questions. My research led me to the following.
- They are unaware that it is a nosy question People have different boundaries when it comes to their personal lives. The person asking you these questions may not consider it a “big deal” because it's not a big deal for him or her.
- They are curious They want to feed their snooping mind with the details. It may be for casual conversation or to spread the word. Or simply, they just don’t have anything better to do!
For example, I know that some people are comfortable talking about their personal finances in public. No surprise, I am not one of them!
Each question relates differently to different people. As a result even I could be asking a nosy question unknowingly.
Another inexcusable reason is
Some people think that they should be able to know, and don't understand "what the big deal is." Its not that it’s a big deal, I just think its personal!
#1. The subtle hint by repeating
Wear them down by cheerfully repeating the same answer.
Example,
“You two were an adorable couple. Why did you break up?”
"Oh, there were a lot of complicated practicalities,"
“But why did you break up?”
"Well, as I said, there were a lot of complicated practicalities,"
If needed followed by, "I told you that there were a lot of complicated practicalities."
#2. It depends on what the meaning of “is” is
Take Bill Clinton’s Grand Jury testimony, for example,
ATTORNEY: Whether or not Mr. Bennett knew of your relationship with Ms. Lewinsky, the statement that there was “no sex of any kind in any manner, shape or form, with President Clinton,” was an utterly false statement. Is that correct?
CLINTON: It depends upon what the meaning of the word “is” is. If the-if he-if “is” means “is and never has been and is not” –that is one thing. If it mean there is none, that was completely true statement.
Now how can one retort to such answer?
#3. Redirect the conversation
Otherwise known as changing the subject! You can build up on the question and say, “Now that you mentioned… ” or “I am going to get a drink, do you want one?” etc
Thinking of a way to redirect the conversation at the snap of a nosy question is always difficult. But surely with practice, you will be able to diligently master this technique.
#4. Smile and say nothing!
Where appropriate.
This works wonders in a phone conversation. Sometimes, I just laugh and then keep silent.
#5. Vague replies
“What’s your salary like?”
“Oh well, I earn enough to get by”
Warning: This method does not work with the stubborn variety of inquisitive people, though. They just continue asking with even more persistence.
#6. Get distracted!
Proceed to get up (if you're sitting) and walk to another place. Rummage through your handbag as if you remembered something. Pick up the newspaper or magazine and leaf through it. Take out your cell phone and go through your text messages. You get the point…
#7. Be Honest
Sometimes the best approach in dealing with nosy questions are to just come right out and say it.
Example,
"I'm not comfortable talking about the specifics of our finances."
They may still feel put off, but at least they'll understand why you're clamming up.
#8. Don’t feed information
If you are a private person, don’t give out your “private” information to each and everyone. If you do, it will be a breading ground for more inquisitive questions!
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6 comments:
Great advice.
Smiling, saying nothing and starting a new topic works well for me.
I think people are just unaware when they overstep boundaries and make someone uncomfortable.
I love your post. I have learned that when someone asks a question I feel uncomfortable answering I just smile and ask a question about them or change the subject. My exerience is that they feel insecure and want to take the focus off them. Helen
By the time I was about five months pregnant with our son, strangers began to comment on it. I didn't mind, because we were thrilled to be pregnant and people were invariably positive about it. But one guy (I only know him because he's a frequent patron at the library where I work), after verifying that I was indeed pregnant, asked "was it planned?". Happily in my case, it was, but how would a person feel if it wasn't, and they got asked that question?
I think there is a third reason for asking nose question (which somehow is related to the first you pointed out): People want to learn from others or search for confirmation from others and that's why they ask those questions.
intrusive & nosy people, asking personal questions:-
Most nosy people are unhappy or dissatisfied with their own lives. There is often a real void in their lives and they have to fill it with the lives and events of others, Quite sad really!
There are many strategies that you could try!
Here are some : -
You need to Practise them
1) Keep Pushing back the question to them (e.g. Q - "what are you doing this weekend?" A- "not sure, what are you doing?)
2) Answer questions briefly, with no explanation., avoid definite YES and NO answers. Do not "close" or "finish" questions". This will stop more questions coming and you will not be feeding the problem. Instead use humor, Vagueness, avoidance without divulging any real information. The person will give up when they realize they aren't getting proper answers.
examples:
Q) "are you going away?" A) not sure, don't know, be great if we could (AVOIDANCE, VAGUENESS)
Q) "are you dating anyone" A) we all need somebody (AVOIDANCE), why have you got someone for me (HUMOUR), lines of them (HUMOUR)
Q) "have you received any offers on your house" A) I leave it to the my husband, estate agents (AVOIDANCE), Its still on the market (AVOIDANCE)
Q) "Is that a brand new car" - It's a lovely model (AVOIDANCE), i fell in love with the colour
Q) are you working? A) all the time Q) where are you working? A) there's so much to do all the time Q) so what do you do Q) I do many things, i've got many skills (AVOIDANCE AVOIDANCE AVOIDANCE)
Q) "Have you put on weight?" Answer: "well, i can't see the scales anymore" (HUMOUR)
Avoid replies like: "thats a good question" as this encourages them to ask more personal questions.
3) Distraction,excuse or Change the subject immediately and Talk about something else. Q) "How much is your mortgage"? A) could you excuse me a second, my phone is ringing or I can't talk right now i'm in a rush, or ouch! my stomach... cramps! (anything really have a few ideas prepared).
** IN EVERYTHING HERE YOU ARE SUBTLY SENDING THE MESSAGES THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO ANSWER PERSONAL QUESTIONS ( the other person may have not been aware that they were being nosy and you have helped them)
4) Send subtle (disapproving) verbal and body language messages, to show show that you are not happy with the questions.
- Mumble, talk quieter and make it hard for the person to hear what you are saying
- ....use (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm), (yeeeeesssssss( ohhh well!) ..... as if you are thinking about the question (the silence will be equally uncomfortable for them)...then change the subject.
- home in on one of the words and then answer a similar but different question (it will sound like you mis-heared them) e.g how long have you been trying for a BABY A) I know BABY's are so cute and cuddly). They may repeat the question but that would show how stupid and unobservant they are.
- Just talk nonsense (e.g Q - Are you in debt? A) oh yes, i came out of the house this morning and could't get the car started
- give the school-kid treatment "Nothing". What have you done at school today "Nothing", what did you have for lunch "Nothing".
Body language:
- Use all the facial expressions that you can think of to show disapproval.
If you feel that you must be truthful
Then keep your answers short and vague. I wouldn't say anything that sounds like your showing off or that things are better than they are. (The main cause of nosiness is that the person is unhappy with their lives)
Other things to bear in mind
-You may have to temporarily avoid the person If the nosiness is unbearable. But don't make the avoidance obvious. It's more about letting the other person know that you are a private person.
-If you can't avoid the person then keep the encounter short & polite (as you do not wish to hold a "dislike" or "hate" to the person). Keep optimistic that the person can change.
- model the correct behavior to the other person (i.e. don't ask intrusive questions to them). Ask gentle /unassuming questions (e.g. nice whether, nice day, oh nice to see the kids out playing etc.
Last resort
If the person's fails to understand your the subtle hints then you may have to be more direct and blunt, but try not to be rude. don't embarrass them , make them feel stupid or put them down
Here's some Lat Resort replies (when you have just about had enough): -
"No comment"
"secret information", i'd have to kill you (HUMOUR)
"That's a personal matter"
"now theres a question, do i have to answer that?"
"that's private"
"please, you are making me feel uncomfortable"
4) No matter how tempted you are to overreact, don't do it. The idea is to stay in control of the situation. As soon as you start getting defensive or going on the attack, you are no longer in charge
All this will take practice and trial and error. Don't worry if you mess-up. Go through each situation after the event and sort out what you should have done & what you will do next time. Before long things will become more and more automatic
***YOU HAVE GOT MY PERMISSION TO COPY AND PASTE AND RE-WRITE A BETTER VERSION, IN FACT I ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO SO!!!!
My wife and I are very happily married. By choice we have no children. People occasionally ask me 1.) If we have children; and 2) Why we don't have them?
My usual answer in order are: 1.) It makes us happy, and I'm all for happines; 2) Or, either of these two favorites: It's really none of your business, or why do you need to know?
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