People-Pleasing: The Price Of Being Too Nice And What To Do About It
“Be good, be nice, be cool, share and care, don't be selfish, be reasonable, don't hurt others, help friends….”
Most of us have these values engraved within us, from childhood. The fact is, being nice is a good thing, and we can only wish that more people were nice(er)!
Then.. there are those “extremely nice” people, who are focused on wanting to please others to the detriment of their own needs. Dr. Harriet Braiker, in her book The Disease To Please classifies them as “people-pleasers”. At first glance, it may not even seem like a problem at all. In fact, the label people-pleaser may feel more like a compliment or a flattering self-description that you proudly wear as a badge of honor.
When being nice becomes a problem...
1. You’re stressing over a lot of things you shouldn’t be stressing!2. You fail to deal with a problem (avoiding confrontation).
3. You are unwilling to speak up for yourself
4. Your niceness may even blind you to the fact that you are being manipulated and exploited.
Why does it matter so much to please someone else?
The culture we humans have created for ourselves is mainly driven by “what other people think,” the tension between the desire for approval and the fear of disapproval. Businesses, families, friendships, sports, politics; everything is heavily influenced by it.
All of us from time to time have a tendency to wonder “what others might think”, so I am not speculating that everyone who thinks this way is a people-pleaser! However, some tend to go overboard with it and as a result, self-esteem is all tied up with how much they do for others.
Overcoming a People-Pleasing Mindset
1. Accept That You Can’t Make Everyone HappyI don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. ~Bill CosbyRe-examine the idea that you always have to be nice. Often it is based on the belief that if you act and think nicely, then bad things won’t happen to you. Unfortunately, believing in the absolute power of niceness doesn’t work, because life isn’t always fair. Some people may not like you, for reasons beyond your control, or even because you are simply “too nice” for them.
So stop beating yourself up for trying to do the impossible. Recognize that the most important, effective and lasting approval is your acceptance of yourself. Look to your own judgments and values.
2. Focus on your own best interest instead of avoiding conflict
Learn that it is OK not to be nice, that you can say negative things and have negative thoughts or feelings toward others.
Give yourself permission to express anger appropriately, since continually suppressed anger can lead to frustration that can ultimately erupt in an explosion of aggression.
3. Don't wait, stop looking and let go!(if only it was that easy!)
Jonathan meticulously points out in his post The Secret to Happiness: Stop Caring, that everything we need is right here, right now, in the present moment. Most of us fail to realize this and look "outward" to find happiness.
4. Stop and ask the question “What do I want?”
Take time to ask your self what YOU really want BEFORE telling yourself that you should always put other people first.
Is this an issue you have experienced before? How did you get past the "people-pleasing" mindset?
Related Posts
- Give Up The Guilt. You’re Not A Bad Person
- If You Want To Be Understood.......
- 7 Ways – How NOT to Annoy People
- Expectations: Is It A Human Weakness?
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22 comments:
I loved this post. It made me happy actually. Being too nice is the story of my life. I would not stand up for myself or anyone because it would cause tension and be too mean. It really screwed me over! So much wisdom in this post... thank you.
- Jack Rugile
Simple Sapien
@Jack: Its good to hear that you have already recognized your issue of being too nice. That's always the first step.
Thank you for your kind words and I am glad the post helped you.
It is not as difficult as it is made out to be - being able to say no. The trick is in learning how to be assertive without being aggressive. While it is all very well to say that the other should be more important, unless it pleases me, or rather makes me happy to do so, it is counterproductive.
No, I never have problems saying no to people and rarely have to please every one.
"You’re stressing over a lot of things you shouldn’t be stressing!" - YES I DO!!!
Thank you for this article. It gave me a lot to think about.
Interesting article, Shamelle; and it raises a question for me. I don't think I suffer from people-pleasing (to be honest, I could do with thinking of other people first a little more often, but it's something I'm working!), but I do have a best friend who's a classic people-pleaser, to the point where it's tearing her apart.
She's realised this about herself, and is working with a counsellor to find healthier ways of relating to herself and other people around (amongst other things... for various reasons she's in a pretty emotionally vulnerable place overall right now).
My question is: how can I best support her from the outside in her journey? At the moment, I'm trying really hard to give her positive reinforcement when she tells me about instances where she's taking steps toward standing up for herself; or when she's able to think in terms of what *she* needs (so, for example, if she tells me she doesn't want to do something with me on a given day because she needs time for herself and then she apologises profusely for it, I try to let her know I'm really happy she feels comfortable telling me she needs that time, and that she has nothing to apologise for), and I also try to make a point of trying to visibly model politely assertive behaviour when I'm around her (which is every bit as good for me as it is for her, I know!)
Are there other things I can be doing to support her, without ending up crossing the line between counsellor and friend (which we've discovered in the past is not a constructive dynamic between us)?
Blessings
Starfire
@rummuser: "learning how to be assertive without being aggressive".... couldn't have said it better.
@Vered: That's why I filed this post under "Think tank" ;-0)
@Starfire: "My question is: how can I best support her from the outside in her journey?" From the example you have stated I can say that you are doing the right thing. Being supportive and making it easy for your friend to carry out HER needs is the way to do. (note: I am not a shrink but this is just my 2 cents!)
Thanks for this post. Another great book on this issue I like that's oriented specifically toward men is called "No More Mr. Nice Guy," by Dr. Robert Glover. He goes into what I think is particularly important in overcoming "people-pleasing," which is coming to terms with the childhood events that cause us to suppress our anger.
I have found that playing the role of "devil's advocate" often leads to greater respect from colleagues and peers. And the role can be played respectfully. When talking about feelings, I find it helpful to take ownership and explicitly say "I am angry" without placing blame.
I absolutely agree - happiness is internal, not found "externally."
These are all outstanding tips and solutions to a problem that only really nice people seem to suffer from--wanting to please everyone. These tips will help my nice wife. Me? I'm too cranky to wanna please everyone...
peace,
mike
livelife365
@Chris: True, when it comes to people-pleasing it is a common norm that women are more savvy towards this habit.
@Stacey: "devil's advocate" ..Interesting perspective
@Mike: "I'm too cranky to wanna please everyone..." um... this could be another post idea! :-0)
How true! It's hard to say No. But a clarification of values and knowing where we stand first can also prevent us from becoming a doormat.
This is such a great topic because so many people suffer from it! I actually label them "Caregivers" and one of the things I recommend is that people who suffer from this (like myself sometimes) choose a career path that allows them to care for and help others. This way their nature can be focused and receive positive impact rather then negative. I wrote about this not to long ago on my page, check it out if you have a chance and let me know if it would be okay for me to link your post to it...
xoxo~
@Evelyn: yes.. knowing where we stand is important in any aspect of life.
@MatchMaker: You present a good way to direct the "pleasing" energy. Sure thing.. I will stop by your blog.
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. You have a very nice blog, lots of great information!
Excellent Article!
This is a very important lesson for many. One can easily get lost in trying to please everybody.
I even think that expressing anger inappropriately is better in the long run than not expressing it at all. That stuff can tear you up inside. This is a good article. Far too many are too often too nice and it blunts authenticity.
Hi Shamelle,
This is a wonderful post and more people need to hear it. Bill Cosby's quote is a sweet addition.
Cheers,
Jeremy
This article really helped me. Especially the part...
" Unfortunately, believing in the absolute power of niceness doesn’t work, because life isn’t always fair. Some people may not like you, for reasons beyond your control, or even because you are simply “too nice” for them. ".
I have spent 3 years being nice to my boyfriends close friend. My boyfriend left the phone after he left me a message. I over heard his friend saying I was "evil" and he can't stand me because of how Nice I am to him.
That really hurt. He's the exact opposite of me. I believe that he can't stand to see someone who has all the qualities he lacks. You can guarentee I will no longer be "nice" to him.
This was a very inspiring article. This describes myself and also the way my daughter has developed. Not only because of watching my reactions to things but also because of her personal experiences. It is very hard to help her see that it's ok sometimes to not be nice, as that is also hard for me.
one of the best article,really inspiring..the article fully describes me.I have been trying so hard to change but cant and have accepted it as "being me".I have just been dealt with a big blow for being "miss too nice" and my boyfriend forwarded this link to me.
Thank you Shamelle for this wonderful post and thank you Smoockie for being there!
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