How To Cope, The Next Time You Are Caught In Verbal Hurricane
Arguments, are inevitable in life. There are times, when people don’t agree with what YOU want; what you do; what you say. In most situations, you can probably resolve the disagreement in an amicable manner. Other times, it brings out the worst in people.
Here are some tips to help you cope, the next time you are in a heated discussion.
1. Don’t let those words escape
During a verbal hurricane, your temperament usually boils over. You will have offensive things bubbling up in your throat, threatening to burst out of your mouth!If you go ahead and say it anyway, you might regret it when you have calmed down. Or maybe, you agonize what you could have said. You might be able to apologize once the whole thing blows over, but you can't take your words back.
2. Ask yourself, “Is this really something worth arguing about”
By all means, I am not asking you to be a headless chicken! Sometimes, our ego gets in the way and somehow we NEED to prove that we are right! Arguments can stem from the prettiest of discussions. If it all started from playful banter, don't let it get out of hand.3. Listen… (without interrupting)
It’s a natural human tendency to interrupt. Make an effort to be patient and let the other person finish the sentence. When you don’t let the other person speak, they tend to get frustrated.4. Try to prevent any misunderstandings
Many arguments start where one person communicates in a fuzzy or unclear manner, which leads the other person to feel disrespected or hurt. Paraphrase what you have understood to prevent misunderstanding, miscommunication or incomplete communication.5. “Package” your opinion/view point
Choose your words carefully. Try to stay away from sarcasm, insults etc.6. Stay Calm
Try not to get “provoked”. Just because the other person raises the voice, doesn’t mean you have to. This is where your temperament will be tested. You can keep completely calm and dominate a conversation without even raising their voice.What you NEED to remember, when you Don’t Remember the above!
When caught up in a heated conversation, it’s likely that you will not remember any of the above mention tips.What you need to engrave in your mind is
* Your point of view is NOT the ONLY one (everyone should have)
* The way you argue, will determine how well the issue is resolved.
Are you finding yourself in a more disagreements than you prefer? How do you manage to stay calm through it all?
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10 comments:
good stuff..thank u :)
Stephen Covey's book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People had a huge impact on me.
In his book there's an example where a group of students are divided into two smaller groups. One group is shown a drawing of a young woman and the other is shown a drawing of an older woman. Each group only sees their own drawing and not the drawing shown to the other group.
The groups are then combined and shown a new drawing that's a blend of both the young and old woman.
The class then argue back and forth trying to convince each other that the drawing is of a young woman while the other half of the class argue it's an old woman. Each group tries to convince the other that they're right and the other group is wrong when in fact they're both right.
I used to think that if I was right and if you disagree with me then you must be wrong. Now I realize that we can disagree and still both be right. We just have different viewpoints.
Sorry for the link but here's the picture I'm referring to:
http://mathworld.wolfram.com/YoungGirl-OldWomanIllusion.html
Hello Shamelle,
Great post! I like the fact that Listen is highlighted and there's a link to it. I've found listening is good, go within and connect to my feelings and thoughts...
Kevin
In my present stage of life, there is hardly any room for disagreements of the kind that you post about. There are major disagreements on matters of global importance, economy etc among my friends but those do not get personal and cause any problems. I am blessed!
I disagree that we ever NEED to prove that we are right. When we feel that way we're the problem, not the other fellow.
About #6. I agree we need to stay centered, but raising our voice can actually be the best way of achieving rapport. The important thing isn't to shout down the other person, it's to match his/her energy. NLP (neurolinguistic programming) calls it leading and pacing. It works if your words are, "YOU'RE REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS, AREN'T YOU?" Ideally I would try to get the other person to focus on his/her feelings and switch the interaction to a learning conversation. The last thing I would be trying to do would be to dominate the conversation.
We're clearly different. :)
These are excellent tips, really skills if you will. The key is to be an effective communicator. The best way to handle a situation like this is to take the emotion out of it. Ask to be excused while you gather yourself or don't approach a person about that which you are angry about until you have had time to cool off.
so so true, thanks for the reminder. sometimes we get so caught up in the hurricane that we forget. However, the more we are present the easier it gets to also get our point across in a compassionate way also in when there's a disagreement.
Nice post... I would emphasize on what NLP says " your map is not the territory"
it is true that we tend to reject what the person has to say. that what creates further frustration
the key is to think positive as well, hold the belief that everyone has a positive intention towards us. In his way, we stay calm, we avoid the negative feelings right from the beginning.
When we are calm , we are able to have a productive dicussion
I think something really important is to never get physical with someone during an argument unless they just seem to need a punch in the mouth or you can't help yourself.
These are great tips. I love your blog. I just came across it. I think you might be interested in the blog I just started, we have a post that seems up your alley regarding 3 Tips to Get Yourself Over the Blues....Check it out at www.conquerthemonkey.com
Thanks for all your insights! I will be back!
Cameron
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